You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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