There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
