I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
