My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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