he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
