I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
