we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
