I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm passing your future prison.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
