I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
