I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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