I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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