whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
