Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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