the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
