My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
