Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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