New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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