Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
