We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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