Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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