the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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