How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
