So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's shark week go big or go home
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
