ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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