Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
