I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
