I hate your face
We're facebook friends in real life
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
