Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
