we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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