I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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