I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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