He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
