I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
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Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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