It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
