I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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