so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
