Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
