I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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