I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
