Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
