Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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