Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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