i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
