Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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