Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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