I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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