i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
