I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There r osticjed everywhere
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
