How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
