watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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