i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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