i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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