nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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