I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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