I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
NoShamevember. You game?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
