He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
