so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
