oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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